Hey Mr. R,
Como vai a vida por Londres?
Aqui na “Wilderness” tudo óptimo. Depois de ires embora tivemos uma
semana inteira com o céu extremamente cinzento, coberto pelo fumo dos fogos e
alguma chuva. Esta semana estamos finalmente de volta ao calor e ao céu azul.
Só te digo que tiveste imensa sorte com o tempo durante a tua semana de férias
na wilderness.
(Ok, já chega de Português) :)
Yesterday
I went to see my psychologist, and (as always) it was extremely helpful. He is
amazing and gave me lots of insight. BTW – he says you have a very particular
way of saying stuff (coding messages). :)
As I have
expressed, this hasn’t been an easy process for me. But with time and your help
I know I will get exactly where I need to be.
For the vacation
in Van I was under the impression that you and I were going to be meeting with
an open heart. The conversations during the preceding 11 months lead me to be
assertively take that approach. And to believe that you shared the same
understanding. Although, that was not the case on your end. I could sense right
from the second I picked up at the airport that you came with a completely
sealed heart, some brick walls and an extra set of chains wrapped around it. And
it was a shock for me. A disappointment (not going to lie), hurtful and very
hard to understand. But, that being sad I don’t believe it was premeditated.
You have your own reasons to choose that approach. And as hard it might be to
understand it, I respect it and tried to give you space the best I could. Part
of me just wishes you had prepared me for that. It would have been very
helpful. But, what it’s done it’s done and there is nothing we can do to change
that.
With all
this being sad, I am reaching you to seek clarity. With this message, I am
asking you to be honest with yourself and myself. Please enlighten me with your
truth, your reasoning behind all this. What happen in between our “first
serious conversation” in February, and the time you booked your ticket in May. It
seems to be the piece of the puzzle that is lacking that will allow me to make
peace with this chapter and turn the page. Initially, something might have attracted
you to want to be in a relative close contact with me for so long. What was
that? What happened in between that changed it? Why were you deliberately so
closed and impersonal with me while here? Why was it so hard to engage in an
honest and sincere conversation? You seemed so excited to come here. But when
you got here, it seemed like you did not want to be here at all. At least not
with me. What was the chain of events and realizations, R?
Nowadays,
when I think of you I see 2 different people: the R I met in Portugal and
the UK - fun, exited, motivated, happy, carrying, giving, social, talkative,
and passionate; and the other R - cold, harsh, frustrated, confused, and
resilient, and intimidating. With an open wound.
At this
stage, I don’t think anything you will say will hurt me more. Your silence and
resistance is more hurtful that anything you might say. And I mean it when I
say it. So please don’t hold back. Open up and tell me what is going through
your mind. Above all, I am your friend. Just like I said, I am not mad. I
understand you tried. I am just having a hard time with all the other things in
between. I have always wanted to be there for you and I sincerely feel that there
are a couple of very useful things for you and I learn with this experience. I
am open to talk if you want to. Or just shoot me an email or a text, if your
feel more comfortable.
Sincerely,
Seren Dipity
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