A state of mind.

Today I realized that we need to be under a specific mind state for certain things to happen in our lives. Specially Love. It is something very hard to explain, to put in words…

Basically, we need to subconsciously emanate a very clean golden bright light from our heart, our mind and our soul.

To find love, we must get rid of that weight that we have been carrying in our back. That pain, and suffering. We need to be bright and open. We need to be free. We need to be clean. You know when you take a deep breath, and you feel something heavy in your stomach? Like a heavy and grey ball stuck there? Exactly the opposite of that. I am not saying that to find what you are looking for you must get rid of all your problems… but you must to at least make peace with something within you that will allow you to transform you. That will allow you to emanate that golden light.

That was exactly how I felt in the summer of 2014 when I met him – yes it did not work, it’s true. But I was clean. For the longest time I had felt like I had gotten rid of all the unfinished business that I carried with me over the past 15 years: The uncertainty regarding my love for I. He came back to my life late 2013, and then I realized I was done with it. I didn’t love him anymore. I accepted the rejection from the police officer. I made peace with the fact that the problems I had with my current manager where mostly a projection of her fears and her self-esteem… and a couple of other things that I don’t feel like writing about.

My previous roommate, L when to Burning Man this past summer. The playa allowed her to forgive herself in regards to her relationship and guilt with her late mother and father. Even though I don’t fully agree with how she views herself towards this, the way she looked at it and made her look at herself in a more accepting and forgiving way allowed her to leave that heavy wait in playa. Allowed her to reconnect with herself and open her heart, to the point where she now found love and it’s very happy.

For me, I still hurt about my story with “Ursinho”. I still feel a crazy mix of feelings, guilt, pain that doesn’t allow me to see what I need to see to move forward and be clean. Deep inside I feel that I really want to talk to him to release all of the pain inside me. That will allow me to move forwards. Although, I am still struggling about how to do it. Do I send him an email before the end of the year and leave the 2015 in 2015 or do I contact him once I am in the UK in March and ask to meet him? I am not sure, if I am afraid of contacting him because I know once I say what I want to say, it will be finally over. Or, am I hopping for something more when I am in Europe and try to see him. Hard to tell, my friends… The mind really plays some tricks on us. And I know that I am my worst enemy.

I know I will sort it out. I know I will reach the clean state of mind as soon as I am out of Vancouver. That I am sure about. I just need to find the best way to walk the journey until the day of my return.

Thomas and I are much, much closer now. And he is the most amazing person ever, but I think I need to release my thoughts relating to “Teddy” to be able to reconnect with myself and then the ones around me.

I will keep you posted… Thank you for reading.